Blissful days. Turbulent thoughts.
December 29, 2014 § Leave a comment
So having said we would take things slow, Klaus and I have spent the majority of our final week of the semester in his bed together.
It’s such perfection. Really intimate and romantic, like everything you want in a guy, in a relationship. Maybe I’m bigging it up too much, seeing things through rose tinted glasses, still in the honeymoon phase. That’s all probably true, but I don’t really care. He makes me so happy and I’m going to soak up every last little annoyingly wonderful moment of it. So fucking happy.
It almost feels wrong blogging about it. It’s weird.
I desperately hope this is the beginning of something. It really feels like it. But then part of me keeps worrying that I’m jumping in the deep end far too quickly. I’m usually so good at keeping my distance, being the one less involved. But I so don’t want to do that anymore.
Then there’s the question of Frank.
I’ve been avoiding it, but I knew it’d catch up to me at some point. I need to see him, and I really wanted to talk to him about everything in person. I always kind of assumed we’d have ‘one last time’, but that went out the window when Klaus told me that, although he didn’t want to put any pressure on us with exclusivity, it would upset him if I got with anybody else. That’s fair. And it made me realise that I don’t really want to.
So when Frank started sexting me I ignored it at first, but then he talked about seeing me, about coming all the way to London from Manchester just for me. I didn’t really want him to do that for me just to tell him I’m seeing someone and could no longer sleep with him. The easiest thing I could think to say was:
“yeah I’d love to see you, I actually need to talk to you about some stuff, but you don’t need to come all the way down from Manchester for it”
As subtle as I’d tried to be, I think he realised exactly what that meant, concluding our conversation curtly by explaining he’d let me know if he was in the area, but wouldn’t bother me with any more ‘booty calls’.
This made my heart sink a little. Frank was always more to me than a booty call, and although the sex was fantastic, it was never my sole reason for seeing him. I feel as though all our wonderful months together have been condensed down into this superficial thing, that I’m now responsible for rejecting. I know that I’m making the right decision, but he is still so important to me, and I hate to think that by my no longer sleeping with him I won’t really get to see him anymore. It seems such an anticlimactic conclusion to all these months. I need to talk to him properly, I’ve just no idea when that will be.
For the moment, Klaus is providing a perfect distraction, but I don’t want to throw all these memories away. All this emotion, all this drama, it’s so much effort. I liked it when I was fucking boys I didn’t like. Life was far simpler.